Vita

The most recent of the 'suckiest of the last year' happened on Friday, March 11, 2011: our cat Vita (Vee-tuh) died. She was about 12 years old and a former stray. I adopted her 8 years ago primarily because my then newly adopted cat, Sofia, needed company and Vita (then Fluffy) needed a home. She never fully recovered from her life as a stray and was our high maintenance cat. She spent the last week of her life revisiting her happy places and snuggling with us extra hard. Looking back on it, she knew she was going to die. Cliche, I know, but it seems she really did - she and Sofia even touched noses and licked each other's faces during that week. They did that about once per year.

That Friday night, she'd lain down under one of the tables and I went to bed. Brian was the one who later found her and told me. I can talk about a lot of things relatively easily but when I began updating this blog, I couldn't even type her name much less tell about it. It's been about a month and we both keep expecting to turn the corner just before the kitchen and see her curled up in a her cubby hole or feel her climbing on the bed, going back and forth laying on our legs and then finally settling down between us. She is and always will be my 'little muffin face girl.' We miss you, Vita.

A Bunch of Other Shit That Made This Last Year Really Suck

So, what's the bunch of other shit that made this last year really suck, you ask? Also, you may be wondering why this generally 'anti-sharing my life with random people' person is willing to share them with you, most likely a total stranger? I'll address the 2nd pondering 1st.

I'm a fairly private person, though if you ask me something about myself, you'll get a full, sometimes uncomfortable answer. When people ask, "How are you doing?", 99.9% of them don't want the real answer. They want to hear, "Fine, thanks. And you?" It's similar when it comes to BDSM. People want to hear about all the kinky crazy things ya do and not much else. I get so sick of that. 24/7 Lifestyle BDSM is not all whips, chains, cuffs, "yes, Mistress", "no, Mistress", and "on your knees bitch." People are people no matter what their lifestyle or title. I'm a living, breathing, thinking, feeling, loving PERSON and I will make you see that. My hope is that not just BDSM people will read this and gain a greater understanding of the many people behind the titles and labels. Also, I really need to rant about some of this shit and I've worn some ears off doing so off-line. And I do feel a lil bit guilty, since I started this blog and and then disappeared and the people following or just occasionally reading this (thank you mucho) deserve to hear why I disappeared. Finally, I've been jotting down notes for the past year to post and never got around to it. I don't like doing that.

Now (drum roll) to the shit that really sucked (at least some of it). Last February, my best friend broke up with her cheating boyfriend and a few weeks later attempted suicide. There's a lot behind that break-up and suicide attempt but it's her story and I won't violate her privacy in that way. Let's just say, when I say cheating, I mean cheating, ok ... like super duper cheating. She has 3 children(5, 8 and 16), is a single mother and at the time had 1 snake, 7 cats (4 rescued from a dumpster, that she eventually was able to adopt out) 2 large dogs and a guinea pig. We stepped in to help her get through the break-up and pretty much took over her home for her so she could just grieve. We were there 3-4 days per week. At the end of February, she snapped, while we were driving to her house and arrived as she was storming from her home stating that she was going to kill herself, the kids would be better off without her, etc. Brian stayed in the house with the kids and I chased her down in my car trying to reason with her. I didn't work. I eventually called the police and they stopped her before she could get to her chosen suicide location. This is the 2nd time I've been the one to stop a close friend from killing themselves by calling the cops. It feels like a horrible betrayal, especially when they scream at me things like "I wasn't really gonna do it! I didn't mean it! I was just taking a walk!" etc. Bullshit. And is terrifying. What if the cops don't get here fast enough? What if I'm doing this wrong? What if I say the wrong thing? I can't describe all the feelings and fears that rocket through your head in a situation like that. I hope you have never had to and never have to deal with that.

We spent the next few months being and doing everything we could for her, too much in fact, but oh well. Then that summer, she snapped again. She accused me of conspiring against her, of using her and lying about all her actions. Her last spoken words to me, in front of a group of friends, were "you lying fucking cunt!" as she stormed out of the building. She then texted me calling me, "a backstabbing liar." All this because I said that I agreed with others that thought when she, about a month earlier, had gone to her ex's house at about 1 am, sat under his bedroom window listening to him with his new girlfriend, then ransacked the woman's car to find out who she was, then threw large rocks at her ex's car and finally rammed his truck with her car so hard the truck crashed into a tree and destroyed her car's front end, was a bad thing. Well, slap me silly and call me Suzy, but those seem like "bad things." She also straight up denied doing it, though she'd already told everyone there about it. She also denied ever attempting suicide. Yeah, homegirl went crazy.

Well after that, I was a lying, using monster that actually hadn't been helping her at all: we hadn't gotten her kids up 3 out of 5 days most weeks for school; we hadn't made virtually every meal she and her kids ate during those months; we hadn't taken care of all her animals. I was just using her for pot. There ain't enough pot in the world to make me put up with all the shit we did! And she made sure that all our mutual friends knew it thanks to emails, which she also sent to me. O, yay! I didn't respond to a single text or email. I had nothing to say to her. I was shocked beyond belief. I couldn't believe how much she'd rewritten the history of the past few months. Our mutual friends didn't believe her of course, but it sure as hell caused a lot of friction.

I've not exchanged a single word with her since. Most painful because that means I can't see her children who I love with all my heart. Her youngest, I've known since he was just months old. Her 8 year old daughter literally wants to be me when she grows up and has said so in no uncertain terms. Her 16 year old demanded my presence at school plays, thought I was "kewl" and talked about her artwork with me. I miss them so damn much. But there's no friend break-up court where I can ask for visitation. To them, except the eldest who really 'saw' what happened and actually told her mother "mom, you need help", we just disappeared. No goodbye's, hugs or anything. Horrible.

*sigh* I could write more but I'm getting tired. I'm still healing from surgery and get tired easily. Hopefully, more posts will come by this Sunday.

History of a Hysterectomy, Part I

Yes, it has been a hell of a long time since I've written anything here ... Perhaps the title of the post explains why. That's right folks, among other hellish things that occurred in the last year that kept me from writing (I'll go into those in other posts), on February 14th of this year I said good-bye to my cervix, uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries.

Painful and heavy periods were not foreign to me but starting around February 2010, they became unbearable. I had truly lovely pelvic exam and was put on a pill to stop me from bleeding to death and hormone therapy which would allow only 4 periods per year. As usual, the pelvic exam results were normal and my cervix and uterus were a lovely happy fertile pink. The hormone therapy worked until October/November: In that time, the pain reached monstrous levels and I had two ten day periods in 5 weeks. I was put on a different round of hormones, suffered through a vaginal sonogram, was put on prescription painkillers - a scary prospect for me as I'd been addicted to prescription painkillers for several years and had kicked it cold turkey - and sent to see a OB/GYN specialist. By this time I was literally in constant pain. I'm not exaggerating here people, I do mean constant excruciating pain.

The sonogram results, as explained to me by the specialist, showed only one friggin' fibroid and it wasn't in a place that should cause pain. In short, he had no idea why I was hurting and bleeding so much. I couldn't believe it. I explained to him what it felt like, how something must be wrong, that this couldn't be normal. He suggested that I increase my folic acid intake. I wanted to rip his balls off. Luckily for him, my wonderful subby was there holding my hand as I cried and raged. Next step ... another specialist who was so very busy that I couldn't see him until January 25, 2011. This was late November.

I spent the next two and a half months sitting on my couch drugged out of my mind, still in terrible pain as the painkillers only took the edge off, sleep deprived since I only got about 2 hours sleep each day, (when I was able to sleep), terrified I was going to become an addict again and counting the days until January 25th. I was as weak as a kitten and moving the slightest bit increased the pain. Brian had to do everything for me and rarely left me alone. Luckily, he's a carpenter/handyman and didn't have a boss to report to, but he did cut down on work drastically. In mid-December, during an ER trip because of the pain, I made him my Health Care Proxy (HCP) because we realized I was too drugged, sleep deprived and weak to make sense of anything the doctors said to me or make decisions. There were several such trips to the ER when I just couldn't take the pain anymore, even with the pills and had to be given multiple injections of morphine. Or, I'd bleed for days and days, usually at least 10, and was becoming anemic. It was a living hell...

It goes without saying that the lifestyle BDSM aspect of our lives went on an extreme hiatus. I was Brian's Domme in name only; often, I could barely speak much less command or punish. He took charge of our home and took care of me, not as his Domme, but as the woman he loves. I could not be more grateful to him for the love and support he showered upon me. I trusted him with my life in making him my HCP and have no regrets. He stayed involved in BDSM online and noted in many forums, chats and posts that subs/slaves often asked what one would do if one's Domme/Dom became ill. He was disgusted that people even asked that and I explained to him that for some subs/slaves the notion of seeing the Domme/Dom in a weakened state was a problem. These types of people need to see their Domme/Dom as all-powerful, all the time. Yet, here he was, essentially in charge of me and he thought no less of me as his Domme. Lifestyle BDSM is a commitment, a loving relationship built on levels of trust that I sometimes wonder if those in vanilla relationships understand. And before a person is Domme/Dom, Mistress/Master, sub/slave or whatever, that person is just that ... a person, a human being with strengths, weaknesses, fears, hopes and dreams. Seems more people need to remember that.

This is just part of what I've gone through in this last year ... More posts to come: History of a Hysterectomy Parts II and III and A Bunch of Other Shit That Made This Last Year Really Suck.

Cool contest and even cooler site

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The language of BDSM

Yeah, I know it's been awhile since I posted, but like I said I'm not a blogger... Sorry.
That said, I posted a question to an on-line group that I'm a member of, BDSM Theory which focuses on discussion of intellectual aspects of BDSM on the site fetlife. A lot of people I've come into contact with have a problem with the language BDSM uses, specifically the use of the word 'slave'. Here's my posted question:

"I have encountered a lot of opposition to my involvement in the BDSM community. I'm a Black American Feminist Lesbian Domme with a live in sub/slave. One of my colleagues/friends went through the roof when I told her about my lifestyle. She is normally very open-minded so this surprised me a lot. One of her main issues was with 'slavery': she doesn't like the word at all and was vehement about me, a Black American woman having a slave. Though I completely understand the difference between consensual and non-consensual slavery, this conversation has made me think. Considering the past and current illegal human slave trade problems (which is unfortunately alive and well), should the BDSM community rethink its use of the word slave? Should it be used at all? Is it insulting or counterproductive to use it?"

I got tons of thoughtful, interesting replies from a variety of people and I got their permission to use them (by the way, my id is yesitwillhurt & if I didn't get permission from a person they are referred to as 'otherfetishist'):

Replies:

DavidS8ist responded about 1 month ago:

Christians were responsible for the Spanish Inquisition and several Crusades. Shall we shy away from someone so identifying? Jews were kept in slavery for a significantly longer period than Africans, yet I know many Jewish "slaves".

Despite our president's wishy-washy "sometimes it matters, other times it doesn't" attitude about "context" ("If it's about Reverend Wright, context matters, if it's about Don Imus, it doesn't."), context is indeed everything.

Someone choosing to not understand what we do as masters and slaves will always pick an historical context to denigrate us. Those willing to listen and learn will adapt.

Trying to get the "unwilling-to-understand" to understand will simply frustrate you. They will never grok.

D.


LadyofCalifornia responded about 1 month ago:

I actually think I understand this a bit more. I am sub but not a slave. And some of it is the connotations of the meaning of the word slave as well as it's usage in regards to me. The choice was mine, the acceptance his. And though in love I often call him Master as he is the owner of my heart, I am not his carpet, nor anyone else's.
Historical context? Give me an honest answer to another question: Since you are a black American female, and I am a white American female of Southern decent, are you going to resent me over the issue of slavery in America? Whether or not you have any idea that I would consider owning anyone of any heritage? Now here's another fact to add to the issue. I am largely Irish. At the same time as the black slavery situation in the southern United States, the Irish were immigrating and many were here as indentured servants. Slaves who were tricked into becoming such. A rose by any other name... I rather think your friend's opposition may have been in that context and not that of someone who is opposed to BDSM per se. Though for many, the SM possible meaning of sadism and masochism is something that bothers them as much as the idea of slavery. Either is possible, and I know when I first heard the term it hit me that way. Conversations with and suggested reading from my love has made me see more. It is still not my preferred title (I usually just say 'the lifestyle') but to each their own. As far as being a feminist goes... that's like saying you're a female who won't be a carpet just because you're female. Most of us are to some degree, we just may not be outspoken about it. I'm not. Lesbian? Have fun. Everyone has their own choices. I noted that you chose to make those last two issues a part of your title. It's your identity. Ok. Why? I don't need an answer. But is your answer part of the reason why you say you have had a lot of opposition? Just a little food for thought there. You can answer or ignore any of it you choose, they are simply thoughts that occurred to me as I read your thread here. Ok, now that I have thoroughly muddied the waters here, I am going to go and be a dutiful daughter and take care of my semi invalid mother and get her dinner.


SinfulSailor responded about 1 month ago:

Yesitwillhurt wrote: "She is normally very open-minded so this surprised me a lot. One of her main issues was with 'slavery': she doesn't like the word at all and was vehement about me, a Black American woman having a slave."

As the OP frames the problem, this whole issue turns on race.

Her friend emphasized race.

All the suggestions above talking about consensuality ignore the description the OP provided. To talk to the OP's friend about consensuality will likely do no good at all.

My suggestion: Tell your friend to get over it. Black, or white, doesn't have anything in the world to do with it. The past is over and gone. Live in the present. Become colorblind.

After she does that, then you can talk to her about consensuality and sexuality.


BearDeBusk responded about 1 month ago:

@Yesitwillhurt ,

I think there is an argument to be made as to whether we should use the term slave. I know no other term to describe what I know to be true about myself. I did not like the idea of it and fought myself for many years because of the stigma that goes a long with its use. I have noticed a difference in how others treat me just in the short time I have began identifying with it. I do know however, that the word does embody how I feel and where I want to go.

Does it have implications to the world at large? Are we saying it is OK to be a slave and therefore justifying the underground slave trade? Creating a framework for people that just want to buy another human being? I think that could be argued. However, if we stopped having slaves in this community would the illegal slave trade evaporate? I doubt that would happen, in fact it might increase it. People that have that strong need to be a slave may find themselves in that situation and not do it in a consensual manner. People would not be educated in how to be a loving, caring, and responsible Master and create more abuse in the world.

There will always be people that have no desire to act responsibly and are only concerned for their own self interests. No amount of dissolving of our community or watering it down, is going to change what people do to other people. In fact, I would hope that the more visible we are, the more people will become educated about what consensual slavery is and what it is not. Maybe some of the abusers that are currently living a vanilla life, will learn about how a power dynamic is, and change their attitudes. Who knows, one can hope and wish for a better world.

As far as whether or not it is Ok for a black woman to own a slave, well that is a question only you can answer. What you are willing to give up in order to live the lifestyle you enjoy. It is a trade off sometimes I think. There are people I could be friends with. However, because I am a leatherdyke I know they will never relate to who I am and my desires within this life. It is definitely more acceptable to be a top or dominant then it is to be a slave. Is it a trade off I am willing to pay? YES. To some people I think it would be too great a sacrifice.

Respectfully,

bear

DavidS8ist responded about 1 month ago:

@otherfetishist:

And in this instance, the OP's friend has an issue about race, interjects it into BDSM where it does not belong, and causes others to become uncomfortable with their own participation...The issue belongs to the OP's friend, and that's where it needs to stay.

Were this the first time I heard about such an incident, I'd say you're right. But several years ago, Gem and I were helping a munch friend start an S&M discussion group at a local GLBT center. It started one helluva controversy and raised three main objections

First, heterosexuals would be attending (gasp!). This was an issue even though PFLAG meetings attended by straight parents and friends were part of the same center.

Second, we were all sick people who were either abused or abusers. There was a fundamental unwillingness to learn about who we were, what we do, and how we do it (either S&M or relationship dynamics).

But third, and the most vehement objection, came from an apparently well educated African-American self-identified feminist who objected because some employed the term "slave" for our partners.

Understand, we were being discriminated against because of our sexuality by a center supporting alternate sexuality! They were attempting to exclude Gay leather, years after both Stonewall and leather's acceptance into the Gay Pride Parade, based on the most irrational and misconceived reasons.

If "slave" is a hot-word, no amount of explanation will change that fact. It all comes down to cognitive dissonance: If the core belief is threatened by logic and reason, logic and reason must be sacrificed for the good of the core belief.

D.


Yesitwillhurt responded about 1 month ago:

@A/all Thank you for these amazing well thought out replies! However, it seems I must clarify the objectives of the questions/post: I want to begin a dialogue about our use of a very loaded word, slave. Slavery isn't a thing of the past and whether we like it or not, words have power. Assuming (yeah I know) we're all responsible, intelligent citizens of the world, is it responsible/wise to use 'slave' as part of our working definition of our lifestyles? Also, this woman is still one of my best friends. She is a leader in our local community and an advocate for the downtrodden. I don't want to alienate this person, and I'm not going to compromise myself. She and I are discussing this as friends hoping to understand one another and as colleagues in the activist community (women's rights, human rights, immigration, abuse survivors and impoverished people primarily). Is there a way to reach common ground?

@LadyofCalifornia: No way would I resent you because you are a white Southern American (BTW I'm originally from Alabama: Go South!) and yes the plight of Irish Americans in early American history has been largely over looked. Indentured slavery lasted beyond the Emancipation of black people and the denigration of the Irish was par for the course for decades after as well. Also, I identify as lesbian because that is the word that most closely defines my sexual orientation. Sexual attraction to people born with penises is a rare occurrence for me, though I have fallen head over heels in love with my subbie - surprised the hell out of me. but I do keep his penis at bay except to torture it.

@SinfulSailor, 2 otherfetishists: I was surprised the race card got thrown in the conversation. My 1st thought was "white girl, please!". And I agree, this is clearly an issue for her. After knowing her for a few years, I see she suffers from the dread 'white liberal guilt.' Yet I do understand what she means. Some words are so charged that they can't be used constructively. Does slave need a transformation like the "n" word or cunt (if you haven't, you must read "Cunt: A Declaration of Independence"). I proudly use the word cunt instead of vagina.

@otherfetishist: Thank you, but I'm not going to minimize the depth and complexity of my relationship by saying "we're into kinky play." And it's such compromise. Vanilla couples wear their wedding rings without problems, my boy should be able to wear his ownership collar.

@BearDebusk: you said "Does it have implications to the world at large? Are we saying it is OK to be a slave and therefore justifying the underground slave trade?" Exactly. Words have power and we can't ignore that. Do we need a book called "Slave: A Declaration of Independence"?

@DavidS: I know what you mean about being discriminated against at a place you didn't expect. This conversation began at a center that my friend founded for women's empowerment and acceptance of all sexuality because I wanted to hold munches there. It was the 1st place I went to when I came out!

DavidS8ist responded about 1 month ago:

@Yes:

Assuming (yeah I know) we're all responsible, intelligent citizens of the world, is it responsible/wise to use 'slave' as part of our working definition of our lifestyles?

Short answer, yes.

Long answer: My partner has no rights, no authority, no assets, no privileges save those I bestow upon her, no right to negotiate or object. She lives in this home at my whim and for my pleasure and comfort. She has only one rule: obey or leave. If not "slave", what term would I use for her? Property? Chattel? Essentially, they're no different from "slave", equally as loaded. And if one is likely to take offense at one, one will take offense at all.

Nine months ago, one of the members of my group "Whys and Wherefores" began an interesting thread, The Art of Taking Offense. Its underlying theme is how easily we as a complete society would rather take offense at something rather than work to understand what the other person is saying, the context in which they've placed their thesis, etc., et al. I fear that's what happened in your case, certainly in mine.

But calling a relationship role something other than what it is because it would make someone else uncomfortable to use the proper term? That's irresponsible.

And insincere.

The day we succumb to political correctness and linguistic expedience to gain acceptance is the day we've lost any self-respect or expectation of genuine acceptance.

At least, that's the way it tumbles out of my brain this rainy afternoon.

D.

Yesitwillhurt responded about 1 month ago:

@DavidS: Excellent points! I think it's time for her to raise her mindset rather than me accommodating hers. This is who I am and this is what I do. FYI the whole conversation went something like this:

Me: I want to talk to the board about holding monthly munches here. Her: Munches? Me: It's a casual get together for people into BDSM. There's no playing involved and it would bring in some income to the center. Her: I don't think so. I mean ***** is your slave. The board won't be comfortable with those types of people having meetings here. We have to think about how we're viewed in the community. Me: What do you mean? Her: Well, you said he's basically the stereotype of s submissive 1950's housewife. No one should be in that role! Me: Even if he's happy? I didn't snatch him off the street and force into this. Her: I know but how can you even be comfortable having a slave? I want everyone to be free to choose how they live; no one should be forced into that lifestyle. You of all people should be sensitive to that.

DavidS8ist responded about 1 month ago:

@Yesitwillhurt, quoting her friend:

I want everyone to be free to choose how they live; no one should be forced into that lifestyle. You of all people should be sensitive to that.

See, you have to step back and laugh at the hypocrisy here. "...everyone [should] be free to choose how they live", as long as their choice meets with your friend's approval. If, on the other hand, the choice freely made is a life not in accord with your friend, then it's, ipso facto, wrong.

You might want to point that out to her and see how she spins it...

Just sayin'...

;)
D.

Yesitwillhurtresponded about 1 month ago:

I'll respond to this next batch of posts later, for right now I want to concentrate on RezNoir's last comment. Yes, non-slave cultures are a rarity. I actually can't think of any one known culture that did not have slaves (Can anyone here? if so let us know) The primary difference between other types of slavery (not including the current human slave trade) and the American slave trade is that the African slaves brought to the U.S. were not from conquered neighboring nations - until fairly recently it was seen as any conquerors right and in a strange way, their responsibility to take the conquered nation's people They were simply taken by Europeans or traded by tribes that had conquered their tribes. It is a subtle but important difference - a property won in battle or a property stolen/traded. And then in the U.S. we have the strange occurrence of the formally enslaves population being freed into the general population with a visible physical difference that set them apart from that general population: skin color. I am from Alabama and a direct descendant of slaves and the Tuskegee Experiment. I was actually raised to distrust/fear/hate white people (it never made sense to me, though I understood history and current problems)... My mom was a Black Panther, my dad is a black South African. My older relatives lived through the horror of Jim Crow laws. It's taken a lot of thinking, self analysis and just plain old work to get over that. That was more personal than I intended but I think it demonstrates that this isn't a passing fancy or curiosity. Words have impact.

Would I have a visceral reaction to someone wearing a KKK costume at a public play setting or private party? hmmm. Truthfully, my first reaction would be a sizzling rage, my eyes would widen and I would just stare, with dry mouth and pounding heart for a bit. Depending on how the person acted I may go up to them and ask them about the costume, though I don't think I'd ever be comfy around them. Or I would leave (probably screaming for my life): KKK was the boogeyman when I grew up). Or I might walk up to them with "what the fuck is your problem" coming out of my mouth

It's been awhile

I know, I know, it's been awhile since I posted. Well, like I said in my very 1st entry, I'm not a blogger. I promise to be better about posts in the future. I certainly have lots to say, just be patient.

Brief introduction

I am Mistress's subbie. She has asked me to add my own thoughts to this blog so that readers can get some idea of BDSM from both sides. D/s relationships come in many different forms. The easiest way to sum ours up is simply to say I am her wife. In any male/female relationship people just assume the woman is the wife. If you can define 'wife' without using words that denote gender then you will have defined my role in this household. I do most of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I also work outside the home to bring in money to pay bills. Given the choice I would just as soon stay home and be pretty much what people would think of as a typical housewife.