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The language of BDSM

Yeah, I know it's been awhile since I posted, but like I said I'm not a blogger... Sorry.
That said, I posted a question to an on-line group that I'm a member of, BDSM Theory which focuses on discussion of intellectual aspects of BDSM on the site fetlife. A lot of people I've come into contact with have a problem with the language BDSM uses, specifically the use of the word 'slave'. Here's my posted question:

"I have encountered a lot of opposition to my involvement in the BDSM community. I'm a Black American Feminist Lesbian Domme with a live in sub/slave. One of my colleagues/friends went through the roof when I told her about my lifestyle. She is normally very open-minded so this surprised me a lot. One of her main issues was with 'slavery': she doesn't like the word at all and was vehement about me, a Black American woman having a slave. Though I completely understand the difference between consensual and non-consensual slavery, this conversation has made me think. Considering the past and current illegal human slave trade problems (which is unfortunately alive and well), should the BDSM community rethink its use of the word slave? Should it be used at all? Is it insulting or counterproductive to use it?"

I got tons of thoughtful, interesting replies from a variety of people and I got their permission to use them (by the way, my id is yesitwillhurt & if I didn't get permission from a person they are referred to as 'otherfetishist'):

Replies:

DavidS8ist responded about 1 month ago:

Christians were responsible for the Spanish Inquisition and several Crusades. Shall we shy away from someone so identifying? Jews were kept in slavery for a significantly longer period than Africans, yet I know many Jewish "slaves".

Despite our president's wishy-washy "sometimes it matters, other times it doesn't" attitude about "context" ("If it's about Reverend Wright, context matters, if it's about Don Imus, it doesn't."), context is indeed everything.

Someone choosing to not understand what we do as masters and slaves will always pick an historical context to denigrate us. Those willing to listen and learn will adapt.

Trying to get the "unwilling-to-understand" to understand will simply frustrate you. They will never grok.

D.


LadyofCalifornia responded about 1 month ago:

I actually think I understand this a bit more. I am sub but not a slave. And some of it is the connotations of the meaning of the word slave as well as it's usage in regards to me. The choice was mine, the acceptance his. And though in love I often call him Master as he is the owner of my heart, I am not his carpet, nor anyone else's.
Historical context? Give me an honest answer to another question: Since you are a black American female, and I am a white American female of Southern decent, are you going to resent me over the issue of slavery in America? Whether or not you have any idea that I would consider owning anyone of any heritage? Now here's another fact to add to the issue. I am largely Irish. At the same time as the black slavery situation in the southern United States, the Irish were immigrating and many were here as indentured servants. Slaves who were tricked into becoming such. A rose by any other name... I rather think your friend's opposition may have been in that context and not that of someone who is opposed to BDSM per se. Though for many, the SM possible meaning of sadism and masochism is something that bothers them as much as the idea of slavery. Either is possible, and I know when I first heard the term it hit me that way. Conversations with and suggested reading from my love has made me see more. It is still not my preferred title (I usually just say 'the lifestyle') but to each their own. As far as being a feminist goes... that's like saying you're a female who won't be a carpet just because you're female. Most of us are to some degree, we just may not be outspoken about it. I'm not. Lesbian? Have fun. Everyone has their own choices. I noted that you chose to make those last two issues a part of your title. It's your identity. Ok. Why? I don't need an answer. But is your answer part of the reason why you say you have had a lot of opposition? Just a little food for thought there. You can answer or ignore any of it you choose, they are simply thoughts that occurred to me as I read your thread here. Ok, now that I have thoroughly muddied the waters here, I am going to go and be a dutiful daughter and take care of my semi invalid mother and get her dinner.


SinfulSailor responded about 1 month ago:

Yesitwillhurt wrote: "She is normally very open-minded so this surprised me a lot. One of her main issues was with 'slavery': she doesn't like the word at all and was vehement about me, a Black American woman having a slave."

As the OP frames the problem, this whole issue turns on race.

Her friend emphasized race.

All the suggestions above talking about consensuality ignore the description the OP provided. To talk to the OP's friend about consensuality will likely do no good at all.

My suggestion: Tell your friend to get over it. Black, or white, doesn't have anything in the world to do with it. The past is over and gone. Live in the present. Become colorblind.

After she does that, then you can talk to her about consensuality and sexuality.


BearDeBusk responded about 1 month ago:

@Yesitwillhurt ,

I think there is an argument to be made as to whether we should use the term slave. I know no other term to describe what I know to be true about myself. I did not like the idea of it and fought myself for many years because of the stigma that goes a long with its use. I have noticed a difference in how others treat me just in the short time I have began identifying with it. I do know however, that the word does embody how I feel and where I want to go.

Does it have implications to the world at large? Are we saying it is OK to be a slave and therefore justifying the underground slave trade? Creating a framework for people that just want to buy another human being? I think that could be argued. However, if we stopped having slaves in this community would the illegal slave trade evaporate? I doubt that would happen, in fact it might increase it. People that have that strong need to be a slave may find themselves in that situation and not do it in a consensual manner. People would not be educated in how to be a loving, caring, and responsible Master and create more abuse in the world.

There will always be people that have no desire to act responsibly and are only concerned for their own self interests. No amount of dissolving of our community or watering it down, is going to change what people do to other people. In fact, I would hope that the more visible we are, the more people will become educated about what consensual slavery is and what it is not. Maybe some of the abusers that are currently living a vanilla life, will learn about how a power dynamic is, and change their attitudes. Who knows, one can hope and wish for a better world.

As far as whether or not it is Ok for a black woman to own a slave, well that is a question only you can answer. What you are willing to give up in order to live the lifestyle you enjoy. It is a trade off sometimes I think. There are people I could be friends with. However, because I am a leatherdyke I know they will never relate to who I am and my desires within this life. It is definitely more acceptable to be a top or dominant then it is to be a slave. Is it a trade off I am willing to pay? YES. To some people I think it would be too great a sacrifice.

Respectfully,

bear

DavidS8ist responded about 1 month ago:

@otherfetishist:

And in this instance, the OP's friend has an issue about race, interjects it into BDSM where it does not belong, and causes others to become uncomfortable with their own participation...The issue belongs to the OP's friend, and that's where it needs to stay.

Were this the first time I heard about such an incident, I'd say you're right. But several years ago, Gem and I were helping a munch friend start an S&M discussion group at a local GLBT center. It started one helluva controversy and raised three main objections

First, heterosexuals would be attending (gasp!). This was an issue even though PFLAG meetings attended by straight parents and friends were part of the same center.

Second, we were all sick people who were either abused or abusers. There was a fundamental unwillingness to learn about who we were, what we do, and how we do it (either S&M or relationship dynamics).

But third, and the most vehement objection, came from an apparently well educated African-American self-identified feminist who objected because some employed the term "slave" for our partners.

Understand, we were being discriminated against because of our sexuality by a center supporting alternate sexuality! They were attempting to exclude Gay leather, years after both Stonewall and leather's acceptance into the Gay Pride Parade, based on the most irrational and misconceived reasons.

If "slave" is a hot-word, no amount of explanation will change that fact. It all comes down to cognitive dissonance: If the core belief is threatened by logic and reason, logic and reason must be sacrificed for the good of the core belief.

D.


Yesitwillhurt responded about 1 month ago:

@A/all Thank you for these amazing well thought out replies! However, it seems I must clarify the objectives of the questions/post: I want to begin a dialogue about our use of a very loaded word, slave. Slavery isn't a thing of the past and whether we like it or not, words have power. Assuming (yeah I know) we're all responsible, intelligent citizens of the world, is it responsible/wise to use 'slave' as part of our working definition of our lifestyles? Also, this woman is still one of my best friends. She is a leader in our local community and an advocate for the downtrodden. I don't want to alienate this person, and I'm not going to compromise myself. She and I are discussing this as friends hoping to understand one another and as colleagues in the activist community (women's rights, human rights, immigration, abuse survivors and impoverished people primarily). Is there a way to reach common ground?

@LadyofCalifornia: No way would I resent you because you are a white Southern American (BTW I'm originally from Alabama: Go South!) and yes the plight of Irish Americans in early American history has been largely over looked. Indentured slavery lasted beyond the Emancipation of black people and the denigration of the Irish was par for the course for decades after as well. Also, I identify as lesbian because that is the word that most closely defines my sexual orientation. Sexual attraction to people born with penises is a rare occurrence for me, though I have fallen head over heels in love with my subbie - surprised the hell out of me. but I do keep his penis at bay except to torture it.

@SinfulSailor, 2 otherfetishists: I was surprised the race card got thrown in the conversation. My 1st thought was "white girl, please!". And I agree, this is clearly an issue for her. After knowing her for a few years, I see she suffers from the dread 'white liberal guilt.' Yet I do understand what she means. Some words are so charged that they can't be used constructively. Does slave need a transformation like the "n" word or cunt (if you haven't, you must read "Cunt: A Declaration of Independence"). I proudly use the word cunt instead of vagina.

@otherfetishist: Thank you, but I'm not going to minimize the depth and complexity of my relationship by saying "we're into kinky play." And it's such compromise. Vanilla couples wear their wedding rings without problems, my boy should be able to wear his ownership collar.

@BearDebusk: you said "Does it have implications to the world at large? Are we saying it is OK to be a slave and therefore justifying the underground slave trade?" Exactly. Words have power and we can't ignore that. Do we need a book called "Slave: A Declaration of Independence"?

@DavidS: I know what you mean about being discriminated against at a place you didn't expect. This conversation began at a center that my friend founded for women's empowerment and acceptance of all sexuality because I wanted to hold munches there. It was the 1st place I went to when I came out!

DavidS8ist responded about 1 month ago:

@Yes:

Assuming (yeah I know) we're all responsible, intelligent citizens of the world, is it responsible/wise to use 'slave' as part of our working definition of our lifestyles?

Short answer, yes.

Long answer: My partner has no rights, no authority, no assets, no privileges save those I bestow upon her, no right to negotiate or object. She lives in this home at my whim and for my pleasure and comfort. She has only one rule: obey or leave. If not "slave", what term would I use for her? Property? Chattel? Essentially, they're no different from "slave", equally as loaded. And if one is likely to take offense at one, one will take offense at all.

Nine months ago, one of the members of my group "Whys and Wherefores" began an interesting thread, The Art of Taking Offense. Its underlying theme is how easily we as a complete society would rather take offense at something rather than work to understand what the other person is saying, the context in which they've placed their thesis, etc., et al. I fear that's what happened in your case, certainly in mine.

But calling a relationship role something other than what it is because it would make someone else uncomfortable to use the proper term? That's irresponsible.

And insincere.

The day we succumb to political correctness and linguistic expedience to gain acceptance is the day we've lost any self-respect or expectation of genuine acceptance.

At least, that's the way it tumbles out of my brain this rainy afternoon.

D.

Yesitwillhurt responded about 1 month ago:

@DavidS: Excellent points! I think it's time for her to raise her mindset rather than me accommodating hers. This is who I am and this is what I do. FYI the whole conversation went something like this:

Me: I want to talk to the board about holding monthly munches here. Her: Munches? Me: It's a casual get together for people into BDSM. There's no playing involved and it would bring in some income to the center. Her: I don't think so. I mean ***** is your slave. The board won't be comfortable with those types of people having meetings here. We have to think about how we're viewed in the community. Me: What do you mean? Her: Well, you said he's basically the stereotype of s submissive 1950's housewife. No one should be in that role! Me: Even if he's happy? I didn't snatch him off the street and force into this. Her: I know but how can you even be comfortable having a slave? I want everyone to be free to choose how they live; no one should be forced into that lifestyle. You of all people should be sensitive to that.

DavidS8ist responded about 1 month ago:

@Yesitwillhurt, quoting her friend:

I want everyone to be free to choose how they live; no one should be forced into that lifestyle. You of all people should be sensitive to that.

See, you have to step back and laugh at the hypocrisy here. "...everyone [should] be free to choose how they live", as long as their choice meets with your friend's approval. If, on the other hand, the choice freely made is a life not in accord with your friend, then it's, ipso facto, wrong.

You might want to point that out to her and see how she spins it...

Just sayin'...

;)
D.

Yesitwillhurtresponded about 1 month ago:

I'll respond to this next batch of posts later, for right now I want to concentrate on RezNoir's last comment. Yes, non-slave cultures are a rarity. I actually can't think of any one known culture that did not have slaves (Can anyone here? if so let us know) The primary difference between other types of slavery (not including the current human slave trade) and the American slave trade is that the African slaves brought to the U.S. were not from conquered neighboring nations - until fairly recently it was seen as any conquerors right and in a strange way, their responsibility to take the conquered nation's people They were simply taken by Europeans or traded by tribes that had conquered their tribes. It is a subtle but important difference - a property won in battle or a property stolen/traded. And then in the U.S. we have the strange occurrence of the formally enslaves population being freed into the general population with a visible physical difference that set them apart from that general population: skin color. I am from Alabama and a direct descendant of slaves and the Tuskegee Experiment. I was actually raised to distrust/fear/hate white people (it never made sense to me, though I understood history and current problems)... My mom was a Black Panther, my dad is a black South African. My older relatives lived through the horror of Jim Crow laws. It's taken a lot of thinking, self analysis and just plain old work to get over that. That was more personal than I intended but I think it demonstrates that this isn't a passing fancy or curiosity. Words have impact.

Would I have a visceral reaction to someone wearing a KKK costume at a public play setting or private party? hmmm. Truthfully, my first reaction would be a sizzling rage, my eyes would widen and I would just stare, with dry mouth and pounding heart for a bit. Depending on how the person acted I may go up to them and ask them about the costume, though I don't think I'd ever be comfy around them. Or I would leave (probably screaming for my life): KKK was the boogeyman when I grew up). Or I might walk up to them with "what the fuck is your problem" coming out of my mouth

It's been awhile

I know, I know, it's been awhile since I posted. Well, like I said in my very 1st entry, I'm not a blogger. I promise to be better about posts in the future. I certainly have lots to say, just be patient.

Brief introduction

I am Mistress's subbie. She has asked me to add my own thoughts to this blog so that readers can get some idea of BDSM from both sides. D/s relationships come in many different forms. The easiest way to sum ours up is simply to say I am her wife. In any male/female relationship people just assume the woman is the wife. If you can define 'wife' without using words that denote gender then you will have defined my role in this household. I do most of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, etc. I also work outside the home to bring in money to pay bills. Given the choice I would just as soon stay home and be pretty much what people would think of as a typical housewife.

Just for fun

Just for fun, I tied my boy intricately and dared him to try and get free ... needless to say, he was unsuccessful. He did have fun trying though. Well, he struggled, grunted and sweat a lot. I had fun watching him. lol, isn't he pretty?

Equality

"Equality of the sexes" .. yes that is Feminism's definition and goal. I suppose what I'm establishing is a new or perhaps multi-dimensional definition of equality. Feminism proposes a much needed definition of equality of the sexes: that women and men are equal human beings, deserving of the same rights, privileges and equal access. I agree with this wholeheartedly. My definition of equality goes one step further in demanding equality of choice. If an adult male, fully aware of himself and his choices, chooses to serve a dominant woman, isn't that the creation of another sort of equality. Freedom of choice in how to live one's life. To deny him that privilege because it doesn't suit your idea of equality ... well, isn't that another sort of imperialism? Be free to make choices, except when they differ from what I would choose for you...

If an adult female makes the same choice or chooses to serve a male dominant, the equality of the sexes still exists. She was not forced into this role, it's something she chose. One the biggest problems of the American feminist movement has been its disregard for other cultures and their traditions and its imperialistic imposition of its beliefs on said cultures. Damning BDSM as an unhealthy & wrong choice for everyone is a shade of that imposition. Historically and currently feminism is making the same mistake as other such movements; defining the world through its own eyes and limiting those it would help to choices that it approves of and supporting only those choices. This is no different than the oppression feminists fight so fervently to overcome ... it's another type of imperialism. An "I know what's best for you" attitude that is exclusionary, sexist and totalitarian.
I simply refuse to take part in that ... so I must ask myself, 'am I still a feminist?' My answer is yes, just a much more open minded and accepting one.

Choices

As the American Feminist movement swept through the 60's & 70's, another peculiar type of oppression took hold. Women that wore makeup, were in monogamous relationships with men, that didn't use the word Goddess, that dared to follow any of the traditional female roles were ostracized from the movement. In order to be a feminist you had to walk the walk of freedom as long as you did it exactly as other feminists expected you to. In general, we've moved away from the idea of the ideal feminist, yet in so many ways it clearly still exists. How dare another feminist tell me that my sexuality is irrational because it doesn't look like feminism! This is how my sexuality manifests itself: domination, sadism, all sorts of fetish play.
I attended Bryn Mawr College, perhaps the most liberal of the Seven Sister Schools. We're called feminazis because of our seemingly extremist views on female equality. Instead of a May-pole, we had a may-hole around which we danced; a giant bust of Athena (the school's Goddess) perched outside the main library; each dorm had co-ed bathroom, but it had to be voted on and unanimous agreement was needed. And this college also had a porn-zine called "snatch" and 2 Bryn Mawr students, lesbian lovers made a remarkable pornographic BDSM film called "Doing it for Daddy." If you haven't seen it, try to find it ... it's amazing! Porn has forever been the one of the enemies of feminism yet there it was.
To me feminism is ultimately about choice; having the freedom to make them and the awareness to choose your right path. I could make the choice to suppress my "sick" desires in order to fit in and agree with my feminists sisters, but isn't that what we're fighting against? Isn't this just another form of oppression? Am I to be cast aside with the lipstick lesbians & happy homemakers of the 1970's?

A glossary of terms

In order to minimize confusion and make sure we're all on the same page, I've done a up a brief glossary of terms I'll be using in this blog... I know, it's not completely filled out but I wanted to get it up here. In writing this I realized just how many words we throw around that actually have difficult or varying definitions. I've tried to stay away from 'gender-based' definitions, but geez is that hard! And I need help with some of these, especially defining a submissive versus a slave & defining transgender & transsexual.

____________________________________________________________________
Adult baby: (abbreviated as AB) An adult that wants to be regressed into a child-like state (not be confused with pedophilia); ages vary
Androgynous: A person that is visually a mix of female and male without being either
Asexual:
BDSM: Stands for bondage, domination, sadism, masochism
Bears: (usually) dominant hairy, large framed gay male
Bisexual: a person attracted to all genders (abbreviated as 'bi')
Boi: A submissive or slave butch lesbian or gay man
Bondage: restricting movement with chains, ropes, shackles, etc
Boy: A submissive or slave male
Brat: A submissive person that “asks for it” through bratty, cheeky behavior
Butch: A person that acts/dresses in a rough or stereotypically macho or masculine manner
Chameleon sexual: A submissive person whose sexuality is dependent on their Owner
Collar: The equivalent of a wedding ring in BDSM culture; symbolizes Ownership and commitment
Cubs: a submissive gay male, usually a sub to bears
Cuckold: A person that enjoys or desires their partner to be with others in a way that humiliates them, e.g. helping the partner prepare to met the other person. abbreviated as a "cuck"
Daddy: A dominant man that acts in a fatherly & protective manner towards his submissive
Dom: Pronounced dom (like tomcat): noun- a male dominant; verb- to dominate, e.g. They want to dom him.
Dominant: Describes either a dominant person or personality
Dominatrix: a dominant woman
Domme: Pronounced just like dom: noun – a dominant woman
Drag: Dressing in the stereotypical clothing of the opposite gender
Drag King: A lesbian that dresses and often performs dressed in male drag
Drag Queen: A gay man that dresses and often performs in female drag
Dyke Daddy: A butch dominant lesbian that acts as a Daddy
Female: A person born with a vulva
Femme: A person that acts/dresses in a stereotypically feminine manner
Feminization: the act of making a man into a woman: this can be "forced" feminization or voluntary
Furries:
Girl: A submissive or slave woman
Gurl: A submissive or slave femme or feminized male
Heterosexual: Person or relationship involving a person/people of the opposite gender
Homosexual: Person or relationship involving a person/people of the same gender
Inter-sexual: A person born with both either primary or secondary female & male sexual characteristics
Limit: Something that one will not do
Leather Daddy: a dominant gay man, specifically into the leather aspects of BDSM
Male: A person born with a penis
Man: A male person that identifies as a male (not necessarily born with a penis) and lives their life in that way
Masochist: A person that receives emotional or sexual satisfaction from receiving pain
Master: a dominant man
Mistress: a dominant woman
Mommy: a dominant woman that treat their submissive/slave in a motherly fashion; often involved with adult babies
Monogamous: Describes a person or relationship with just 2 people involved
Owner: dominant woman or man that actively has submissives/slaves
Painslut: a submissive or slave person that believes that pain should be a part of a BDSM relationship and craves it
Pansexual: Describes a person or relationship that is not limited to considering the other person's gender
Pet: A submissive where the emphasis is on being a submissive companion rather than focusing on service or sexual/pain play
Polyamorous: A person or relationship that is open to more than 2 people
Sadist: A person that receives sexual and/or emotional satisfaction from another’s pain
Scat: Feces (usually, human feces)
Sissy: A feminized submissive or slave male
Slave: Extremely submissive person; has few or no limits and is willing to be 'broken' by the Mistress/Master/Owner
Submissive: Describes either a submissive person or personality (sub, subbie)
Swinging: activity that describes couples/groups that engage in casual sexual activity with others - not to be confused with polyamory
Switch: A person that is both dominant & submissive depending on their mood and/or
partner(s)
Transgender:
Transsexual: a person that wishes to live life as the opposite gender and usually takes steps to do so
Transvestite: (also, male crossdresser) - a male that dresses in stereotypically female clothing, often for sexual satisfaction; is not necessarily gay
Vanilla: describes person or lifestyle that doesn't involve BDSM
Watersports: sexual play with urine (usually human)
Woman: a person that identifies as a female and chooses to live their life as a female (not necessarily born with a vulva)

My very first blog entry

First of all, I am not a 'blogger.' The idea of sharing intimate details of my life in such a forum is strange to me. However, after a recent comment made to me by someone I respect, admire and look to as a mentor just blew my mind. I chose to discuss my BDSM life with a 'vanilla' person and was told that my sexuality was "not rational." Further, that as a feminist & a Black woman, how could I 'own' a submissive or slave? How could I have a submissive that acted in the manner of a stereotypical submissive 1950's housewife? I was angry, confused and disappointed.
Her: Nobody should be in the position of a submissive housewife!
Me: He enjoys the role, he likes it...
Her: That argument has been used in all sorts of oppression throughout history ... as a feminist, I want everyone to be equal.
How can feminism as a whole be opposed to BDSM? Why is that the further I am from reproductive sexual acts, the more I am asked to & expected to justify my desires? Isn't that what feminism is all about? Ensuring that each woman has a choice in what she does. Am I not a feminist because I am a lifestyle Domme? Am I taking part in an oppressive act?
Webster's Dictionary defines feminism as: noun - 1. Belief in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes. 2. The movement organized around this belief.
Neither of these definitions say anything directly, nor do they infer anything about BDSM.
In this blog, I will be discussing my views on BDSM, human sexuality, human equality & feminism. I'm not presenting myself as an expert on any of these topics; feel free to ask questions, disagree and make comments. And please, please take part in the polls.