A Bunch of Other Shit That Made This Last Year Really Suck

So, what's the bunch of other shit that made this last year really suck, you ask? Also, you may be wondering why this generally 'anti-sharing my life with random people' person is willing to share them with you, most likely a total stranger? I'll address the 2nd pondering 1st.

I'm a fairly private person, though if you ask me something about myself, you'll get a full, sometimes uncomfortable answer. When people ask, "How are you doing?", 99.9% of them don't want the real answer. They want to hear, "Fine, thanks. And you?" It's similar when it comes to BDSM. People want to hear about all the kinky crazy things ya do and not much else. I get so sick of that. 24/7 Lifestyle BDSM is not all whips, chains, cuffs, "yes, Mistress", "no, Mistress", and "on your knees bitch." People are people no matter what their lifestyle or title. I'm a living, breathing, thinking, feeling, loving PERSON and I will make you see that. My hope is that not just BDSM people will read this and gain a greater understanding of the many people behind the titles and labels. Also, I really need to rant about some of this shit and I've worn some ears off doing so off-line. And I do feel a lil bit guilty, since I started this blog and and then disappeared and the people following or just occasionally reading this (thank you mucho) deserve to hear why I disappeared. Finally, I've been jotting down notes for the past year to post and never got around to it. I don't like doing that.

Now (drum roll) to the shit that really sucked (at least some of it). Last February, my best friend broke up with her cheating boyfriend and a few weeks later attempted suicide. There's a lot behind that break-up and suicide attempt but it's her story and I won't violate her privacy in that way. Let's just say, when I say cheating, I mean cheating, ok ... like super duper cheating. She has 3 children(5, 8 and 16), is a single mother and at the time had 1 snake, 7 cats (4 rescued from a dumpster, that she eventually was able to adopt out) 2 large dogs and a guinea pig. We stepped in to help her get through the break-up and pretty much took over her home for her so she could just grieve. We were there 3-4 days per week. At the end of February, she snapped, while we were driving to her house and arrived as she was storming from her home stating that she was going to kill herself, the kids would be better off without her, etc. Brian stayed in the house with the kids and I chased her down in my car trying to reason with her. I didn't work. I eventually called the police and they stopped her before she could get to her chosen suicide location. This is the 2nd time I've been the one to stop a close friend from killing themselves by calling the cops. It feels like a horrible betrayal, especially when they scream at me things like "I wasn't really gonna do it! I didn't mean it! I was just taking a walk!" etc. Bullshit. And is terrifying. What if the cops don't get here fast enough? What if I'm doing this wrong? What if I say the wrong thing? I can't describe all the feelings and fears that rocket through your head in a situation like that. I hope you have never had to and never have to deal with that.

We spent the next few months being and doing everything we could for her, too much in fact, but oh well. Then that summer, she snapped again. She accused me of conspiring against her, of using her and lying about all her actions. Her last spoken words to me, in front of a group of friends, were "you lying fucking cunt!" as she stormed out of the building. She then texted me calling me, "a backstabbing liar." All this because I said that I agreed with others that thought when she, about a month earlier, had gone to her ex's house at about 1 am, sat under his bedroom window listening to him with his new girlfriend, then ransacked the woman's car to find out who she was, then threw large rocks at her ex's car and finally rammed his truck with her car so hard the truck crashed into a tree and destroyed her car's front end, was a bad thing. Well, slap me silly and call me Suzy, but those seem like "bad things." She also straight up denied doing it, though she'd already told everyone there about it. She also denied ever attempting suicide. Yeah, homegirl went crazy.

Well after that, I was a lying, using monster that actually hadn't been helping her at all: we hadn't gotten her kids up 3 out of 5 days most weeks for school; we hadn't made virtually every meal she and her kids ate during those months; we hadn't taken care of all her animals. I was just using her for pot. There ain't enough pot in the world to make me put up with all the shit we did! And she made sure that all our mutual friends knew it thanks to emails, which she also sent to me. O, yay! I didn't respond to a single text or email. I had nothing to say to her. I was shocked beyond belief. I couldn't believe how much she'd rewritten the history of the past few months. Our mutual friends didn't believe her of course, but it sure as hell caused a lot of friction.

I've not exchanged a single word with her since. Most painful because that means I can't see her children who I love with all my heart. Her youngest, I've known since he was just months old. Her 8 year old daughter literally wants to be me when she grows up and has said so in no uncertain terms. Her 16 year old demanded my presence at school plays, thought I was "kewl" and talked about her artwork with me. I miss them so damn much. But there's no friend break-up court where I can ask for visitation. To them, except the eldest who really 'saw' what happened and actually told her mother "mom, you need help", we just disappeared. No goodbye's, hugs or anything. Horrible.

*sigh* I could write more but I'm getting tired. I'm still healing from surgery and get tired easily. Hopefully, more posts will come by this Sunday.