History of a Hysterectomy, Part I

Yes, it has been a hell of a long time since I've written anything here ... Perhaps the title of the post explains why. That's right folks, among other hellish things that occurred in the last year that kept me from writing (I'll go into those in other posts), on February 14th of this year I said good-bye to my cervix, uterus, fallopian tubes and ovaries.

Painful and heavy periods were not foreign to me but starting around February 2010, they became unbearable. I had truly lovely pelvic exam and was put on a pill to stop me from bleeding to death and hormone therapy which would allow only 4 periods per year. As usual, the pelvic exam results were normal and my cervix and uterus were a lovely happy fertile pink. The hormone therapy worked until October/November: In that time, the pain reached monstrous levels and I had two ten day periods in 5 weeks. I was put on a different round of hormones, suffered through a vaginal sonogram, was put on prescription painkillers - a scary prospect for me as I'd been addicted to prescription painkillers for several years and had kicked it cold turkey - and sent to see a OB/GYN specialist. By this time I was literally in constant pain. I'm not exaggerating here people, I do mean constant excruciating pain.

The sonogram results, as explained to me by the specialist, showed only one friggin' fibroid and it wasn't in a place that should cause pain. In short, he had no idea why I was hurting and bleeding so much. I couldn't believe it. I explained to him what it felt like, how something must be wrong, that this couldn't be normal. He suggested that I increase my folic acid intake. I wanted to rip his balls off. Luckily for him, my wonderful subby was there holding my hand as I cried and raged. Next step ... another specialist who was so very busy that I couldn't see him until January 25, 2011. This was late November.

I spent the next two and a half months sitting on my couch drugged out of my mind, still in terrible pain as the painkillers only took the edge off, sleep deprived since I only got about 2 hours sleep each day, (when I was able to sleep), terrified I was going to become an addict again and counting the days until January 25th. I was as weak as a kitten and moving the slightest bit increased the pain. Brian had to do everything for me and rarely left me alone. Luckily, he's a carpenter/handyman and didn't have a boss to report to, but he did cut down on work drastically. In mid-December, during an ER trip because of the pain, I made him my Health Care Proxy (HCP) because we realized I was too drugged, sleep deprived and weak to make sense of anything the doctors said to me or make decisions. There were several such trips to the ER when I just couldn't take the pain anymore, even with the pills and had to be given multiple injections of morphine. Or, I'd bleed for days and days, usually at least 10, and was becoming anemic. It was a living hell...

It goes without saying that the lifestyle BDSM aspect of our lives went on an extreme hiatus. I was Brian's Domme in name only; often, I could barely speak much less command or punish. He took charge of our home and took care of me, not as his Domme, but as the woman he loves. I could not be more grateful to him for the love and support he showered upon me. I trusted him with my life in making him my HCP and have no regrets. He stayed involved in BDSM online and noted in many forums, chats and posts that subs/slaves often asked what one would do if one's Domme/Dom became ill. He was disgusted that people even asked that and I explained to him that for some subs/slaves the notion of seeing the Domme/Dom in a weakened state was a problem. These types of people need to see their Domme/Dom as all-powerful, all the time. Yet, here he was, essentially in charge of me and he thought no less of me as his Domme. Lifestyle BDSM is a commitment, a loving relationship built on levels of trust that I sometimes wonder if those in vanilla relationships understand. And before a person is Domme/Dom, Mistress/Master, sub/slave or whatever, that person is just that ... a person, a human being with strengths, weaknesses, fears, hopes and dreams. Seems more people need to remember that.

This is just part of what I've gone through in this last year ... More posts to come: History of a Hysterectomy Parts II and III and A Bunch of Other Shit That Made This Last Year Really Suck.